Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
