I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
Reggie can tackle my bush.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
