mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
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