maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
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