Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
Randomize
