I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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