The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
