I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
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