yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
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