my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
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