So...AT&T finally added picture messaging for iPhone...bring on the tits!!!
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
Randomize
