dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
