I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
His hands were made for my vagina.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Randomize
