my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
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