i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
Randomize
