i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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