Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
The streak lives on, still havent been to Towson without throwing up
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
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