my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
The uberlube is also flammable
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
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