I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
