I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
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It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
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It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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