oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work