So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
Randomize
