Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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