I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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