I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
