Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize