I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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