A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
