Fine. I'll sleep in my office
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
Randomize
