sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
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