Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
