All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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