My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
