she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
Four minutes until I can fart!
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
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