I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
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