ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
