Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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