He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Randomize
