don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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