I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
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