i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
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