god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
Randomize
