Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
