i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
