Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
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