Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk