I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
29 People Confess The Worst Example Of Dirty Talk They’ve Ever Heard
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
21 Women Compare Anal and Vaginal Sex
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?