I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
Randomize
