I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Randomize
