I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
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