The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
two words...techno handjob
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
