it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Randomize
