So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
Randomize
