Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
Randomize
