My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
