Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
