Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
GO HOME AND LIKE EVERYTHING ON COLT'S FACEBOOK UNTIL 2007.
Wtf it's a Friday night?
PRIORITIZE.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
Randomize
