Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
The uberlube is also flammable
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
Randomize
