Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
Randomize
